Contemplation

Slept at about 5minutes to 6am and amazingly, my internal alarm clock woke me up at 9something. My body aches and sores like i've been through a war in the jungle. Saturday night was supposedly enjoyable and fun right?

Mine was depressing throughout the ENTIRE day. Then i had the urge to munch on tortada chips in Chilis. I couldn't find any dining partner to actually go have dinner with me. Time pass as i was chatting with a good doctor friend of mine about what she had planned to do for the night. Fortunately for me, a friend of mine agreed to accompany for the dinner i am looking for at Chilis. She was good sports.

Seeing the fact that the entire week, i've been FFK-ed by all my friends; I really really felt like going out for a drink and dance a little bit. My neighbour has been pestering me about going to Loft - Upstairs for the whole night as he has confirmed with me earlier. And so, i just went out with it bringing my good friend of mine.

It was quiet as usual in the start. Clock strikes 10minutes after 12am, the places was quite packed with sweaty bodies. People were pratically drinking more than clubbing. Most of the guys that came in a group just sat or stand around drinking, trying to get attention from whichever girl they laid their eyes on but apparently; most of the good looking, hot and appealing ladies are either taken, unavailable or sitting in the VIP section.

My neighbour and I opened a bottle, sitting at table number 37. Actually, it's a nice table for that it has cushioned seats, had a large enough space(rather than cramped up) and its near the dance floor. It was just me, my friend and my neighbour for the start. Then came my friend's friend whom one of them was actually my friend too. Both of them look appealing enough for guys to approach them. Anyhow, my night weren't that bad at all but it were that good either for that i kinda drink dance and just chatted abit. Its like the group was too small and i didn't quite had fun. Not my kinda group to club with. Oh yes, my neighbour's colleague, colleague's sister and the sister's friend came too. Sporting girls but not that exactly friendly.

Been having alot of thought rushing through my mind the whole night. From sober, to tipsy to a little drunk, the thoughts thicken till the extent that i actually stopped my car a while just to scream out the window.

On and all, my last weekend before i start working again is spent in a way that i didn't quite expected but overall, i would like to thank my friend for keeping me company the whole night. It was a little relaxing to go out and have a couple of drinks because it was way easier to sleep.

Pursuit of Happiness

Anyone watched that movie??? Anyone understand that phrase???
Does happiness means that we odd to have money and everything else??? In the very end, all we want are to spend quality moment with people we cherish; let them be friends, family or your soulmate.

When you're of my age, and been through certain things in life; the way we view things would be entirely different. How do we define happiness? How do we define joy and bliss? Drinking alcohol? Clubbing? Chilling out with a bottle of wine? Meeting New people? The meaning of joy, happiness and bliss is so subjective.

On a friday night, everyone seems to be trying to enjoy themselves. Going out, making plans, doing something "fun" and everything else that is so called "happening" or "living life".

Do we really know how to live life?? enjoy life?? Would a quiet evening with the one you truly care, friends,family or your love one be sufficient?? Would that quiet evening turn out to be a boring night?

How do we make ourselves feel Happy? or just satisfied? Is there any Guide to Happiness?

Monks and nuns would say that living life without desires and evil thought would give you eternal bliss or some sort. True?

Anyhow, i just feel so lost and unwanted and just plainly bored. It's friday night, i had a small gathering with my highschool buddies and yet i feel like the night was somehow insufficient enough to make me feel satisfied. Wonder what's got into me, eversince certain incident dated about 2 months back; life has never been the same for me. Things are just dull-ing up, losing colors. Fortunately, there are still people in life that would light my life up with beautiful colors and splendid fireworks. Evenstill, i feel insufficient. Am i just complaining about a already complete life or am i just living my life in a state of imcompleteness?

Who am i to joke eh?? I am just too blur to even remember or understand what are the craps i just wrote above. Anyhow, i just hope i would be able to live life to the fullest with all the colors that would make life more than just satisfying.

Depression

Depressing aint it?? especially when friends made plans with you few days ahead and you make sure everything doesn't clash by rearranging everything perfectly. Hoping that you would have a blast of your life with such excellent planning for the weekend.

Hours or perhaps about 10 hours before meeting up, your friends call you up or even forgot to call you to tell you that everything is canceled. One plan by one plan cancels itself... leaving you totally empty and dead for the whole weekend, pushing aside last minute plans to give way for all these important dates you made. In the end, you would just bunk at home and bore yourself to death thinking whether did all of your friends planned all this to make us feel totally miserable and to depress us further after what we have been through lately?

Situation like this always prompts me with such wierd questions, am i really that annoying to the extent that people avoid me?

Anxiety

It's just some random word i thought of. In most cases, i would simply put a word that crosses my mind at the moment i am typing a title for my blog.

As of lately, i have so much free time on hand. Having a break between my work gives me way too much boredom. Too little activity to fill up all these empty space of my life.

Had a tiring morning, woke up around 9.45am but my body felt like i've only slept for an hour because it was aching all over. My mind tells me that i need more sleep but i guess i just couldn't continue sleeping as the pain was just too intense for me to stay in bed. Got myself out of bed, and then i just wander around the house in hopes to find something to do. Watched some tv but i don't quite remember what i watched because i was actually still blur. I went and made myself a hot cup of Milo and i took some "pingpong cream crackers" to go along with my Milo. *yum* a simple yet fulfilling breakfast.

Then i went downstairs to just stroll around the park and the swimming pool. Almost had the urge to just dive in and drown myself. But then again, what for? so i came back up and all of a sudden i feel really sleepy. I lay on my bed for a few minutes and before i know it, i am already snoozing away. The wierd part is that i am still aware of everything around me. I know that my nephew was watching dexter's lab in the living room, my msn had a few nudge and a three sms on my phone along with one miss call but i just don't wanna bother and continue on with my sleep. Finally, Kayden called me and i actually answered his call while in sleep. After a few minutes of the call ended, then i realised that i was sleeping while on the phone and i got myself out of bed. I've been asleep for 1 hour plus i guess but it was refreshing.

And now, i am here dazing around trying to find something to do as it is still early for me to go for basketball. Afterall, i just had my lunch of simple dishes that i made myself. Potato, steam fish and mince meat with vege.

Belongingness

Today... i had a very very nice talk with someone important. She kinda made my day in most sense.

Later in the day, i went out with someone else who WAS important. Initially, it was pleasant but then slowly it turned sourish.

Do i belong in any of those world that i just mentioned? in a world where a simple conversation would make me smile or a world where i think i would be feeling alright and in the end feel awfully bad.

Don't quite know yet. Well, i went to Seed and i tried on a purple shirt. It look kinda nice on me but well, i weren't quite in the mood to shop or pay for anything and so i didn't buy it. Feeling a bit regret for not purchasing it.

Lingering (not lingerie)

Day was passing by slowly as usual... hoping for someone to ask me out for lunch but i guess it didn't work that way. Either we find people for lunch or would plainly dine alone.

Had a thought about what happened before i sleep. Talking to someone who used to be my world was really nice. It was saddening also to see that the person has to live a tough life now. She seems to be in a slump where she left herself to be. She said love was the reason to have this life now and yet she's telling me how unimportant love is at this very point of her life. Controversial.

I had to knock some sense into her, telling her that life has always been harsh. It was purely because of the harshness of the outside world that i tried to shield her from. BUT i guess it wasn't good enough.

All i hope now is that she would be able to achieve happiness and succeed in her career. Hoping that she would have a better life than she has now.

Nothing else in the world would be able to change the facts of life anymore, perhaps a little dream i carry would help me get a better future? Still, i've changed in ways i never thought i would be able to.

Tiring Morning

I just got out of bed, my entire body aching. It is almost as if i was in a fight with someone the whole night. My joints, my muscles, all aching like hell. It would probably take about an hour or two to feel better.

Slept at 5am but i just keep waking up around 10am. no matter how hard i try to continue sleeping. What's wrong with me? what has got into me? life as it is would seem to be meaningless as i am more like dragging my life on everyday. Waking up at 10 plus, sitting in front of the computer wasting my time until 5 before i go for basketball. hahaha. a little pathetic, don't you think so?

Aimlessly

wee....

just thought of writing some random stuff here...
been kinda doing things in a routine way everyday... hoping that there would be something that would bring me out of this routine life...

it's 9.10pm and i don't even know whether i should take my dinner or not. Even if i would like to take my dinner, there isn't any dinner at home. I am just tooooooo lazy to even cook myself a meal now because there isn't much to cook. Had the urge to drive out but i hate the whole idea of eating out ALONE.

another Blue-ish monday for me... and yet again... sad enough to make me cry myself to sleep...
well... i guess this is just a short short random thoughts that crossed my mind

Moments of denial

Opps... it isn't time for basketball yet... it's still rather early for me to head on out anyway... 4.26pm... hmm... another 30mins before i need to be on the court. And so i decided to just write another blog with that thought i have.

Denying things has been more like a natural defensive mechanism in most of us. What about denial from friends just because we seem to always push the responsibility to someone else instead of embracing our own mistake?

Ever got caught in a situation where your friends are asking you to make a decision for the group to go somewhere or do something??? If ever the decision was a good one, we would tend to get credit for it and people would say "good choice". What about if the choice was not as good as we thought it would be? Would we just say, "sorry for making the wrong choice" ? or we would simply keep quiet or divert the attention to something else or even start denying the mistake we made?

In life, we're often left in situation like that and yet we tend to avoid the truth about it. If ever you were given a choice to take on responsibility of your decision or drop it and live in denial. Which would be your choice?

Rainy Days

Sunday and Monday.... raining raining....
it has been raining both afternoon and it's not just a light shower... it's a long-lived rain that dragged on for 3hours plus...

It seems to match my mood but it is hindering me from going for a good game of basketball. I bought a basketball with my buddy RyanC in Al-iksan and i was looking forward to use it on Sunday evening but it the court was just too wet to play.

Time after time, i try to focus on something that would divert myself away from boredom and perhaps sorrows. Eventually, things just keep flooding back. It is nice to see that the fact that i still have friends around asking me out for different activities.

This is definitely not a good way to start off a First blog on my new blog but at least I took the first step into doing it. All thanks to that good friend of mine whom i've known for years Ms. J.

*cheers* heading off to enjoy a good game of basketball now... on a wet court with my new ball!!!