Identity

In life, there are just things that we think we understand or see as it would be in the lights of others.

There are those few moments that you would see vague visions of people around you and yet feel that you know them well. Time is not a constraint for you to trust someone but the feeling and the urge for you to try believing.

Trust used to be an object that has to be gained through time. There are things that you would not believe till you try it or feel it.

I guess there the ones that I trust my life with and those that I won't hesitate for a second before revealing the real me. Thank you

Tears

Tears are often shed when people you thought cared, understood and believed in you hurt you. Here i am... standing at 5'11" weighing about 85kg... sobbing like a little baby.

My heart is still aching while i am typing this out. Everything around me seems to be moving in the opposite direction. Smallest matter up to life & death situation, i am always the scapegoat, the one being blamed for everything.

No matter how i kept it inside myself, someone people would still keep stuffing me with all their craps and excuses. I keep letting them do it. Who knows that deep inside, i am just a wounded little child hoping to be hold in the arms of those who cherish his very existence.

Things don't happen overnight, you can't tell me you didn't mean to do this to me when you've been doing it all along. I am who i am today because of what i chose and what you did. It takes two hands to clap. Why can't you just be mature enough to at least share the blame? Mainly, i don't even want to blame it on you but you keep putting the blame on me and accusing me of being what you didn't expect me to be.

Have you ever thought that i've actually struggled along the way to be where i am today? Is it possible that i might have been dead years ago if i weren't what i am. It is who i was back then that brought me here today. At least have the decency of accepting me. Don't say you've nothing to do with what i am today. We all contribute to each other's existence, so happen that you weren't around much to contribute to that.

All i know is that my heart is shedding tears and its dripping on the wound that you've left me with. Agonizing me from within.

爱情的问题

有时，我在想．　

有什么可以让我开心，

我拆知道我要的东西，我都得到那时，

我在知道我要的是你可悲的，

你是我得不到的我不能选择谁去爱，

但我也不能爱一个选择爱的人
怎样和一个我没有拥有过的人说再见?

为何我的眼泪会为她滴？

Love has many questions, which one is truthful?

爱是没有对和错

你不能责备我选你来爱
同样的，我也没有责备你不给我机会好好的爱你
我也没有责备你不学习去爱我
道歉，应为你不能好像爱他则么爱我。
所以，我唯一能做的就是放手。
希望重有一天， 你会看的到
你在寻找的，就是放开你的那一位

something that i felt like expressing in chinese ^_^

爱是不容易

不要害怕的去爱，

爱可能会有很多悲哀和痛苦，

但如果你不勇敢的去爱，以后，

你会后悔没有给爱一个机会。

I bet those of you who don't know mandarin would be wondering what am i writing ^_^

Agonized

It's a Monday, and i guess i had the most depressing and agonizing moments in my life. Constantly being tormented by images and phrase that tore my life apart. It felt almost like my chest was sliced open and my heart was purged right in front of my eyes.

Feeling of being abandoned, the feeling of being left behind by the one you trust most.

That is totally unbearable, the very thought of everything you had being taken away. Everything you thought belong to you and you only being snatched.

Its like being robbed of everything you ever had right there in your very home. Everything that made you who you're today. Everything that matters suddenly doesn't matter anymore.

How hard i tried, nothing shows up; everything to no avail. Perhaps its my destiny to be crushed by this force of life that test me emotional.

Mental break down is something so frequent to me. Mood swings are don't seem to mean much as they come and go as they please. Smiles and tears are just separated by a thin line.

My life has only a thread to hold. A single thread that would determine my next cause of action but it seems i am being contradictory.

Movements are imminent but yet i am stagnant. For every step i took from the day you came into my life, are being recalled and erased. I've be pulled back to my first step.

Momentarily, i am being dragged back and forth in time as i am dwelling on my past in my present life hoping that the past would be again my future.

Memories and materials that we kept in lifes are merely another illusion of how reality is because reality hurts like hell and at times, i refuse to accept the fact.

More stress lays on my shoulder now as i am holding on to things i shouldn't things i don't want and yet i am willingly holding on to them.

Morose Joshua seems not to understand the meaning of poignant and therefore stucked in a zone where eternal torments awaits him.

Mati would probably be the last option for him as he still seeks to wait as long as his life allows him to.

Reluctance

There is totally no sense of security. The one that i really thought could understand my feelings would just simply take her exit from the very moment i need someone.

What should i do??? I made her a priority and yet i seem like an option. What is life going to be if my priorities are gone???

A simple hug, 10minutes of company, and a sign showing you care would suffice and yet none of those were given. I am really really depressed.

thanks, for hurting me in everyway possible

sorry, for being too attentive
sorry, for being caring

sorry, for loving you so much
thanks, you have finally gotten what you want.
you've abandoned me twice and you've left me to die

thanks, for all the care
thanks, for all the love

thanks, for all the effort you put on me
thanks, for all the support you gave me

thanks, for all the sacrifice you made for me
thanks, for being there for me

thanks, for letting me see things in ways i could never see on my own
thanks, for bringing so much colors into my life

thanks, for all the joy you've brought me
thanks, for all the smiles you've given me

sorry, i can never care for you anymore
sorry, i can't love you as i am not suppose to

sorry, my support to you means nothing anymore
sorry, i have nothing else to sacrifice for you anymore;i've given you everything

sorry, i am not allowed to be there for you anymore
sorry, i can never let you see things anymore better as i am no longer there

sorry, if i've brought so much colors
sorry, if i've given you so much joy

i am sorry because i will always miss your smile; a smile given to the one you truly love

there is nothing else i can say or do but to simply allow myself to dwell on the past, weep for the lost and forever falling deeper and deeper into the abyss. our memories now are merely a past that you would not remember but to me, they are priceless possessions.

i am not angry nor am i furious. i am just disappointed and sad. if you have ever loved a person like i've. you would feel the same. and i know you don't love me.

thanks for the times we had.

Isolation

Feeling all alone,
Alone even in the most crowded place,
Sense of belonging dissipating,
Empathy seems not to work,

Alongside loneliness,
Pain comes hand in hand,
Sorrows then follows,
Eyes filled with tears,

Knowing that my very existence,
Its not noticed,
Not recognized,
Insignificant.

Reality Check

I just found out i am such a useless pathetic person,
Immature,
Childish,
Unable to provide security,
not trustworthy,
cannot be trusted,
do not deserve decent respect,
I betray the very friendship that keeps my circle of "friends" around me.

I've just suffer a lost so tremendous that i am being pulled into the dark,
a place so dark that it has no light at all,
Eternal darkness where i would live my life aimlessly,
not being able to ever see where am i going anymore,

Even if i know where i want to go,
I would never be able to arrive for that,
the soul that i used to have is no longer with me,
it has been taken away from me,
because it is believed that youth is what i still have,
therefore i can be left to wander in the dark,
searching for something that i would never find,

Knowing what and where,
Doesn't make anymore difference,
the very reason to why and how,
has seem to diminished,

Deciding what and how,
Has lost its purpose,
Losing sight of why and who,
is worse than losing your limbs,

Disappearing again,
Losing all senses,
Sight touch hear smell taste,
all removed from my life,

What life is there left for me
if i am deprived of all these,
When everything has lose its
lusters and colors,

As it progresses,
things would turn into monotonously,
boring and lifeless
and i would be a dead corpse living.

Once Again

Once again,

heartbroken from inside,

Right after I try loving again,

My life gets turned upside;

down, losing everything i've gain,

Perhaps I was never meant to love,

I tried and tried and i fail,

Everytime i try,

I would simply fail,

The harder i try,

The harder i fall,

Once i fall; i can hardly stand again,

Simple things in life has,

Become yet another complexity;

that would ruin my life,

in every sense,

The will of my life,

the very foundation of my life uprooted,

I suppose I am not meant to be in love,

Not able to have love,

Shouldn't be given love,

Probably restricted to love,

Forbidden to think of love,

Never to feel love

Rainbow

For a long long time, i haven't seen a rainbow so beautiful and in the most unexpected moments.
^_^

it was really meaningful but unfortunately, there weren't enough time for me to actually enjoy the beauty of the rainbow in such a beautiful place.

really hope i can lay on the grass with her and see that beautiful rainbow and hope that there's a pot of gold at the end of it. ^_^
haha

sorry peeps... no picture of it, i was it while i was driving. Didn't have enough time to snap a picture of it.

Virgin Tony Roma's

Went to Tony Roma's for the first time in my life. It was rather entertaining, the usherer showed us to our table. It was a rather nice table with a nice view over the whole Sunway Lagoon. Most unfortunately, it was day time so it was rather bright. Lucky for that the waiter notice that and draw the drapes and made the atmosphere more suitable.

The menu was rather attractive. I like the amount of variety of beverage available. Many of which i would love to try. It took me like 15minutes or more to go through both the menus and finally made my choice.

First came the soup, baked potato soup with granulated cheese and slices of beef bacons. Top with spring onions.

Freshly baked mini sized baguet with some unknown sauce, i forgot to ask them what is it but it was really delightful.

Drinks was just sprite and ice lemon tea

First entree would be the Rosemary Chicken, according to the waiter; the sauce is imported from the States but i would say that the taste was rather plain and not as nice as i've expected. Overall, it got a rating of 5/10.

The 2nd entree was Blackened Butter Cod with Tony Roma's Kickin' Sauce which was rather good. Along with the lemon, the cod was quite appetizing.

I would rate this as a 6.5/10

Kind of regreted for not trying the beef in Tony Roma's as I just don't feel comfortable eating steaks during day time. I would probably go there again for steak and a bottle of red wine while enjoying the night view of Sunway.

It was a memorable trip to Tony Roma's that i would love to keep in my hard drive. ^_^

Sweet Memories

Sweet Sweet Sweet... it has been so long i felt sooo sweet eating something. ^_^

Chocolate Gateaux

it's so chocolatey... sweet and looks sooo wonderful... it is not merely how it taste as it was enjoyed with someone that meant the world...

being able to enjoy such exquisite dessert with the presence of someone important in your life is just heavenly. The chocolate mixture contains dark chocolate, and white chocolate with all the chocolates i love is so nice. I don't know what else i could say but it was just heavenly delicious.

Now i realised that it is just not what you eat that makes you feel good, it is who you have it with that makes all the difference. A good meal would taste good if you're alone but a good meal would turn out GREAT if its with someone important.

Randomness

Been more than a week since i last wrote a blog.
So many things had happened over the last week.
Some are confusing, some are drastically affecting my very life.

As days and hours pass through, the colors in life are slowly but surely returning to the darkened life of mine.

I am just wondering how long would these joy stay around for? or is it just a brink of joy for me just before i am about to trully die?

I am rather lost in words or thoughts as i still don't know why am i doing this or why am i not doing that and finally, is this really happening to me? i still don't quite understand how all these are working in relation to me.

I really need some guidance in life. I know i want it and i know i really really want it. Even if it would take the rest of my life waiting for it.

GRADUATION

weee~!
finally, i am able to fill up that form for graduation. Finally, able to pick a place for my convocation.

After all the hardwork, i can safely attempt to finish the last 4 subjects of my university life and graduate.

Was so sad when i got the news that i couldn't graduate in november and was forced to take another subject in year 2008. That would be like another 6 months of my life! Thank god, everything has resolved itself and an opportunity has arise for me and i've taken it.

All i need to do now is to concentrate more on my studies and graduate. Can't wait till the end of the year where i can go on my long waited vacation.

Contemplation

Slept at about 5minutes to 6am and amazingly, my internal alarm clock woke me up at 9something. My body aches and sores like i've been through a war in the jungle. Saturday night was supposedly enjoyable and fun right?

Mine was depressing throughout the ENTIRE day. Then i had the urge to munch on tortada chips in Chilis. I couldn't find any dining partner to actually go have dinner with me. Time pass as i was chatting with a good doctor friend of mine about what she had planned to do for the night. Fortunately for me, a friend of mine agreed to accompany for the dinner i am looking for at Chilis. She was good sports.

Seeing the fact that the entire week, i've been FFK-ed by all my friends; I really really felt like going out for a drink and dance a little bit. My neighbour has been pestering me about going to Loft - Upstairs for the whole night as he has confirmed with me earlier. And so, i just went out with it bringing my good friend of mine.

It was quiet as usual in the start. Clock strikes 10minutes after 12am, the places was quite packed with sweaty bodies. People were pratically drinking more than clubbing. Most of the guys that came in a group just sat or stand around drinking, trying to get attention from whichever girl they laid their eyes on but apparently; most of the good looking, hot and appealing ladies are either taken, unavailable or sitting in the VIP section.

My neighbour and I opened a bottle, sitting at table number 37. Actually, it's a nice table for that it has cushioned seats, had a large enough space(rather than cramped up) and its near the dance floor. It was just me, my friend and my neighbour for the start. Then came my friend's friend whom one of them was actually my friend too. Both of them look appealing enough for guys to approach them. Anyhow, my night weren't that bad at all but it were that good either for that i kinda drink dance and just chatted abit. Its like the group was too small and i didn't quite had fun. Not my kinda group to club with. Oh yes, my neighbour's colleague, colleague's sister and the sister's friend came too. Sporting girls but not that exactly friendly.

Been having alot of thought rushing through my mind the whole night. From sober, to tipsy to a little drunk, the thoughts thicken till the extent that i actually stopped my car a while just to scream out the window.

On and all, my last weekend before i start working again is spent in a way that i didn't quite expected but overall, i would like to thank my friend for keeping me company the whole night. It was a little relaxing to go out and have a couple of drinks because it was way easier to sleep.

Pursuit of Happiness

Anyone watched that movie??? Anyone understand that phrase???
Does happiness means that we odd to have money and everything else??? In the very end, all we want are to spend quality moment with people we cherish; let them be friends, family or your soulmate.

When you're of my age, and been through certain things in life; the way we view things would be entirely different. How do we define happiness? How do we define joy and bliss? Drinking alcohol? Clubbing? Chilling out with a bottle of wine? Meeting New people? The meaning of joy, happiness and bliss is so subjective.

On a friday night, everyone seems to be trying to enjoy themselves. Going out, making plans, doing something "fun" and everything else that is so called "happening" or "living life".

Do we really know how to live life?? enjoy life?? Would a quiet evening with the one you truly care, friends,family or your love one be sufficient?? Would that quiet evening turn out to be a boring night?

How do we make ourselves feel Happy? or just satisfied? Is there any Guide to Happiness?

Monks and nuns would say that living life without desires and evil thought would give you eternal bliss or some sort. True?

Anyhow, i just feel so lost and unwanted and just plainly bored. It's friday night, i had a small gathering with my highschool buddies and yet i feel like the night was somehow insufficient enough to make me feel satisfied. Wonder what's got into me, eversince certain incident dated about 2 months back; life has never been the same for me. Things are just dull-ing up, losing colors. Fortunately, there are still people in life that would light my life up with beautiful colors and splendid fireworks. Evenstill, i feel insufficient. Am i just complaining about a already complete life or am i just living my life in a state of imcompleteness?

Who am i to joke eh?? I am just too blur to even remember or understand what are the craps i just wrote above. Anyhow, i just hope i would be able to live life to the fullest with all the colors that would make life more than just satisfying.

Depression

Depressing aint it?? especially when friends made plans with you few days ahead and you make sure everything doesn't clash by rearranging everything perfectly. Hoping that you would have a blast of your life with such excellent planning for the weekend.

Hours or perhaps about 10 hours before meeting up, your friends call you up or even forgot to call you to tell you that everything is canceled. One plan by one plan cancels itself... leaving you totally empty and dead for the whole weekend, pushing aside last minute plans to give way for all these important dates you made. In the end, you would just bunk at home and bore yourself to death thinking whether did all of your friends planned all this to make us feel totally miserable and to depress us further after what we have been through lately?

Situation like this always prompts me with such wierd questions, am i really that annoying to the extent that people avoid me?

Anxiety

It's just some random word i thought of. In most cases, i would simply put a word that crosses my mind at the moment i am typing a title for my blog.

As of lately, i have so much free time on hand. Having a break between my work gives me way too much boredom. Too little activity to fill up all these empty space of my life.

Had a tiring morning, woke up around 9.45am but my body felt like i've only slept for an hour because it was aching all over. My mind tells me that i need more sleep but i guess i just couldn't continue sleeping as the pain was just too intense for me to stay in bed. Got myself out of bed, and then i just wander around the house in hopes to find something to do. Watched some tv but i don't quite remember what i watched because i was actually still blur. I went and made myself a hot cup of Milo and i took some "pingpong cream crackers" to go along with my Milo. *yum* a simple yet fulfilling breakfast.

Then i went downstairs to just stroll around the park and the swimming pool. Almost had the urge to just dive in and drown myself. But then again, what for? so i came back up and all of a sudden i feel really sleepy. I lay on my bed for a few minutes and before i know it, i am already snoozing away. The wierd part is that i am still aware of everything around me. I know that my nephew was watching dexter's lab in the living room, my msn had a few nudge and a three sms on my phone along with one miss call but i just don't wanna bother and continue on with my sleep. Finally, Kayden called me and i actually answered his call while in sleep. After a few minutes of the call ended, then i realised that i was sleeping while on the phone and i got myself out of bed. I've been asleep for 1 hour plus i guess but it was refreshing.

And now, i am here dazing around trying to find something to do as it is still early for me to go for basketball. Afterall, i just had my lunch of simple dishes that i made myself. Potato, steam fish and mince meat with vege.

Belongingness

Today... i had a very very nice talk with someone important. She kinda made my day in most sense.

Later in the day, i went out with someone else who WAS important. Initially, it was pleasant but then slowly it turned sourish.

Do i belong in any of those world that i just mentioned? in a world where a simple conversation would make me smile or a world where i think i would be feeling alright and in the end feel awfully bad.

Don't quite know yet. Well, i went to Seed and i tried on a purple shirt. It look kinda nice on me but well, i weren't quite in the mood to shop or pay for anything and so i didn't buy it. Feeling a bit regret for not purchasing it.

Lingering (not lingerie)

Day was passing by slowly as usual... hoping for someone to ask me out for lunch but i guess it didn't work that way. Either we find people for lunch or would plainly dine alone.

Had a thought about what happened before i sleep. Talking to someone who used to be my world was really nice. It was saddening also to see that the person has to live a tough life now. She seems to be in a slump where she left herself to be. She said love was the reason to have this life now and yet she's telling me how unimportant love is at this very point of her life. Controversial.

I had to knock some sense into her, telling her that life has always been harsh. It was purely because of the harshness of the outside world that i tried to shield her from. BUT i guess it wasn't good enough.

All i hope now is that she would be able to achieve happiness and succeed in her career. Hoping that she would have a better life than she has now.

Nothing else in the world would be able to change the facts of life anymore, perhaps a little dream i carry would help me get a better future? Still, i've changed in ways i never thought i would be able to.

Tiring Morning

I just got out of bed, my entire body aching. It is almost as if i was in a fight with someone the whole night. My joints, my muscles, all aching like hell. It would probably take about an hour or two to feel better.

Slept at 5am but i just keep waking up around 10am. no matter how hard i try to continue sleeping. What's wrong with me? what has got into me? life as it is would seem to be meaningless as i am more like dragging my life on everyday. Waking up at 10 plus, sitting in front of the computer wasting my time until 5 before i go for basketball. hahaha. a little pathetic, don't you think so?

Aimlessly

wee....

just thought of writing some random stuff here...
been kinda doing things in a routine way everyday... hoping that there would be something that would bring me out of this routine life...

it's 9.10pm and i don't even know whether i should take my dinner or not. Even if i would like to take my dinner, there isn't any dinner at home. I am just tooooooo lazy to even cook myself a meal now because there isn't much to cook. Had the urge to drive out but i hate the whole idea of eating out ALONE.

another Blue-ish monday for me... and yet again... sad enough to make me cry myself to sleep...
well... i guess this is just a short short random thoughts that crossed my mind

Moments of denial

Opps... it isn't time for basketball yet... it's still rather early for me to head on out anyway... 4.26pm... hmm... another 30mins before i need to be on the court. And so i decided to just write another blog with that thought i have.

Denying things has been more like a natural defensive mechanism in most of us. What about denial from friends just because we seem to always push the responsibility to someone else instead of embracing our own mistake?

Ever got caught in a situation where your friends are asking you to make a decision for the group to go somewhere or do something??? If ever the decision was a good one, we would tend to get credit for it and people would say "good choice". What about if the choice was not as good as we thought it would be? Would we just say, "sorry for making the wrong choice" ? or we would simply keep quiet or divert the attention to something else or even start denying the mistake we made?

In life, we're often left in situation like that and yet we tend to avoid the truth about it. If ever you were given a choice to take on responsibility of your decision or drop it and live in denial. Which would be your choice?

Rainy Days

Sunday and Monday.... raining raining....
it has been raining both afternoon and it's not just a light shower... it's a long-lived rain that dragged on for 3hours plus...

It seems to match my mood but it is hindering me from going for a good game of basketball. I bought a basketball with my buddy RyanC in Al-iksan and i was looking forward to use it on Sunday evening but it the court was just too wet to play.

Time after time, i try to focus on something that would divert myself away from boredom and perhaps sorrows. Eventually, things just keep flooding back. It is nice to see that the fact that i still have friends around asking me out for different activities.

This is definitely not a good way to start off a First blog on my new blog but at least I took the first step into doing it. All thanks to that good friend of mine whom i've known for years Ms. J.

*cheers* heading off to enjoy a good game of basketball now... on a wet court with my new ball!!!